Aug 18, 2011

Rush Limbaugh Hates Socialist Cookie Reparations

Yesterday was a watershed moment in the history of American snacking.  Kraft Food finally flooded stateside supermarkets with the Triple Double Oreo, pictured above.  That's not a Photoshop job, nor is it the result of hours of painstaking cookie-surgery.  You can buy these at 7 Eleven RIGHT NOW.  Personally, I'm looking forward to six months from now, when they inevitably release a version covered in fudge that will immediately send you into a mouth-foaming, sugar-induced frenzy, followed by a week-long bought of catatonia.

Now, you'd think someone like Rush Limbaugh would be stoked at the prospect of even more chocolate packed into one cookie, but you'd be WRONG!  Check out the below embed from Rush's radio show yesterday.  (Sidenote: I love the prolonged and awkward silences throughout this clip, which only reinforce the image of Limbaugh as a sadsack, sitting alone in his basement, talking to himself.)

Alright, let's overlook the inherently offensive nature of referring to these tasty new treats as "O-bam-eos", and let's ignore the perverse glee with which the right-wing mocks Michelle Obama's crusade to fight childhood obesity.  (Seriously, how can you criticize efforts to increase the health of children?  Is it really so awful to suggest that your kid eat an apple and get off the couch for a few hours?)  Instead, let's address the incredible stupidity of what seems to be Rush's biggest concern: that these are BI-RACIAL COOKIES!

I can't believe this actually has to be spoken out loud, (especially to someone who's clearly had as much experience with junk food as Limbaugh) but cookies are, in fact, non-racial because they have no country of fucking origin.  If Rush really has a problem with the mixing of chocolate and vanilla in a single cookie then he should hate all Oreos as ALL OREOS ARE MADE OF CHOCOLATE AND VANILLA.  It's what makes an Oreo a goddamn Oreo.  Why has Rush remained silent on this important issue for the past 99 years?  Are you telling me that God-fearing white folks are only allowed to eat all vanilla treats?  A lifetime of stale, boring Vienna Fingers?  AM I NEVER AGAIN TO EAT CHOCOLATE just to ensure that none of Rush's non-existent progeny ever think about having sex with a black man?

What an asshole.

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